Day Ten: Oh What a Night

Today was a pretty good day for Katie at the clinic outside of a few run-in's with two challenging other kids in the program. Last night however, wasn't so....

When Katie got to Wednesday night kid's night at church, her teacher was unfortunately 20 minutes late in getting there, and Katie had to wait with aunt Bea till she got there. Katie had been dancing around and doing well during the wait, but as soon as her teacher arrived in the room, Katie began to sulk, turn her back to the teacher, and cover her head with her coat. Despite her teachers continual apology for being late, Katie continued to not talk for several more minutes, and after a while, warmed up and joined the group.

That evening when Bea and Katie arrived in the driveway, Katie didn't want to get out of the car because she was afraid of the dark (highly unusual for her... especially since there was a lot of light outside.) Bea escorted Katie to the house, and as soon as she walked through the door, she flew into a rage and began to slug the guestroom bed with her fists. She shouted that she was angry... she didn't know at what.... but she said she had to hit the bed cause she was just SO MAD!! I saw no harm in her getting her frustrations out in a safe pelting of the bed, so I stood next to her and told her to go for it. She pounded the daylights out of the bed for the next full 15 minutes till she was exhausted. When I asked her if she felt any better, she said she was SO tired... but was still very angry. I helped her get her PJ's on... get a quick bite to eat... and as she was going upstairs to brush her teeth, she began to nod her head, jerk her shoulders, flutter her eyes, and begin to shout/grunt loudly. I recognized it as Tourette tics that have occasionally been manifesting over the past two weeks... but at that moment they came on STRONG. She became notably shaken and called out, "Mom, I'm making those noises again!!!" I tried to downplay the fear and tell her that they were just noises, but by the time she get to the top of the stairs, they were going full boar. She cried out loud "DADDY, I'M SCARED!!" and then utterly flew downstairs to me and threw her arms around my neck as she grunted/yelled, nodded her head furiously and hopped up and down. "MOMMY, I'm SCARED!!" I gathered my insides together and calmly told her that they were just noises, they wouldn't hurt her... and we were fine with them... and just like all the other tics she has experienced, these would come and then go away too. It took many minutes for her to feel safe again... and was afraid to go upstairs by herself. I tucked her into bed... kissed her goodnight, and then went downstairs to fill; out my evening report on her.

As I was writing about the going's-on that evening, Bea and I sat and talked about everything that evening... and I mentioned to Bea that I had a feeling that Katie wasn't angry when she was beating the bed, but that she was afraid because she could feel the "yelling tic" coming on... and she stifled it at church, but by the time she got home she could feel the control slipping... and yelling scared her. I think it was fear, not anger that caused her to beat the bed.

I asked Bea to go upstairs and check to see if Katie was asleep so I could document it, but when she got there, Katie was missing!! When we called for her, we found her downstairs in Bea's bed (she is SO stealth). She walked into the kitchen and said, "Mom... I heard what you were saying about me to Bea... and you know what? You're right... I was afraid. It scared me. I'm such a freak".

My poor pumpkin-sweetie... I would do ANYTHING to take that fear away from you and help you understand that you are NOT a freak... and God knows I have tried to do that. But it's in God's hands now... He is going to have to help you see that truth... and perhaps the clinic will be His tool to accomplish that.

Katie wasn't able to fall asleep until a few hours later... she was just so unsettled. This has been going on for a couple of weeks now. We most certainly need to talk with the doctors about this.

This morning we were again up at 5:45 and I was expecting her to be a zombie with such little sleep, but she woke up refreshed and ready for her day... as if none of the previous evening challenges ever happened. I on the other hand was exhausted... I think my hurting heart has something to do with that. I am learning to "Cast my cares" much more than just daily... often minute by minute. It is becoming a way of life for me. Ha! It's about time, aye?

Continually casting,
Susan