Day Fourteen: "Mom, I Think I'm Going to Faint!!"

Katie had a hard night last night. From dinner to bedtime she was angry... whiny... and very unsettled. She hated dinner. She hated taking a bath. She was mad that I wouldn't dry her off, put her clothes on her and make another dinner for her. She was ticked because she had to brush her teeth. She said she had "crying" inside her that couldn't get out... but eventually did with much slamming, banging, hitting, throwing and excessive anger. By the time she got into bed, she was out of control, resistant to ANY help or advice... and hyperventilating. We left her to herself to work it out until she began shouting, "Help, I need HELP!" Mark and I went into her room, sat on her bed, and as he prayed for her, I rubbed her back and tried to help her gain control. It took several minutes until she could calm down... and in less that two minutes after stopping her crying, she was fast asleep.

Mark and I left the room feeling like we had just been through a war... one we have fought many many times before... but one we have never gotten used to. These events are truly exhausting to us... and make an otherwise restful evening turn into an endless season of tension, indigestion and struggle. We are on day three of the Lithium and understand that it will take at least two weeks to see the benefit of the medication. What can I say... it's going to be a LOOOOONG two weeks for us.

On a positive note, Katie slept all night and woke up very happy and compliant. When I spoke with her about the previous evening, she said that she was angry at me because she didn't like nachos (our dinner)... and that she got herself out of control and couldn't stop it. She admitted that she says and does dumb things... and makes very bad choices when she gets that angry, and she apologized to me for getting out of control. I told her that all was forgiven and that I understood... and that God was going to use the ABC Program at UCLA to help us find answers to helping her maintain control of herself in the future. The drive to the hospital was another good one... and after kissing her goodbye I headed downstairs to watch an incredible teaching video called, "F.A.T. City: Children with Learning Disabilities".... (Frustration, Anxiety and Tension). It was an amazing video... very insightful to Katie's challenges... one I need to watch over and over again.

I received a call from the Radiation Department this morning telling me that Katie will have her Brain MRI done March 26th at 9:00 am. They will have to start an IV in her arm in order to sedate her for the test, and I know that she will most likely try and resist having that done and will surely be frightened... so I am praying now for God's strength to help her before hand. He can break through that fear of hers and help her be courageous and strong.

Jesus is LORD today... not just our Savior, but our LORD. He calls the shots and makes a way where there seems to be no way. He is also our eternal encourager... and today I could use all the encouragement I can get. I'd love to sit here and tell you that I am confident and strong and trusting God that all will be okay... but today I am weary and tired... and I am feeling insecure and concerned. I would love to run and hide in a cave and sleep for the next millennium... or just sprout wings and fly up to heaven right now. Is that okay to admit??? Well, as humbling it is to say, for today, it's true. Despite most days of amazing strength and hopeful outlook, I am not very strong today. Nevertheless, I keep pedaling ahead... and tomorrow will be another day and I more than likely will be back on top of things.

But for today... I'm going to spend that day walking around town... in and out of local stores... not buying anything mind you, but touching as many things as I can touch... taking in all the various smells and scenes... and give God time this afternoon to build me up again. There is nothing that He can't handle, so I'm going to let Him bear my burden while I get out and take a walk. Hmmmm.... it looks like it wants to rain outside.... no bother... the shower will do me good... and short hair dries fast anyway.

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When I went to pick Katie up today and get my day-end report, I was surprised to see a LARGE KEYBOARD waiting for me. They asked me to take it out to my car before any other kids saw it... and I slipped out and hid it in the back of the car. When I returned to pick Katie up, I kept it a secret from her until we arrived home. The report I got from the psychologist was that Katie had a very hard day... and had SEVERAL emotional meltdowns throughout the day. Mark, Bea and I will have our meeting with the Psychiatrist tomorrow morning to discuss what we can do to help Katie through these hard times until her new med takes effect and helps her gain self control over her emotions.

Once we got home, I told Katie I had a surprise for her... and when I opened the trunk of the car and she saw the keyboard, she turned kinda pale and threw her hands to the side of her face and shouted, "OH MOM!!! I THINK I'M GOING TO FAINT!! OH MY GOODNESS!! I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED A KEYBOARD. OH MY GOODNESS.... I'M GOING TO FAINT!!!" (No drama there....)

So here I sit listening to "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" played for the thousandth time in the last 20 minutes. A few times she has gotten angry that she can't get it perfectly and has started to bang on the keys, at which point I told her she would be grounded from it if I catch her banging on it in anger. She understood. Let's hope she remembers.

MM.. MM... mm...mm...mmm.mmm.mmmmmmm...... Uh oh... I think that song is stuck in my head now. Good grief!!

Chow 4 Now,
Susan