Day Five: No Time for Regrets

Last night Katie had a few moments of explosiveness, but for the most part was delightfully herself. She was cheerful on the way to the clinic and despite having to work through a few challenges had a fairly good day.

My day, however, didn't go as easily as I had planned. Once I dropped Katie off at the clinic, the social worker and the psychologist caught me in the hall before I was out the door and asked if they could speak with me. As always, I was more than willing to comply.

They took me to a room and said, "The issues that Katie is challenged with .... and the diagnosis of Duane's Syndrome... are usually the result from one of two possibilities... it is either a genetic disturbance or Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. I know we spoke with you in length at the last family meeting, but we wanted to call you in privately and ask you again if you were drinking alcohol or using drugs when you were pregnant with Katie".

My heart sank. Had they not believed me? It so took me by surprise I even took a moment and questioned myself again. NO! NOT A DROP!!! I haven't had ANY alcohol or 'used' in over 23 years! I can certainly understand why they would NEED to ask a parent a second time for such an important and sensitive issue... they were doing a fine job of investigation.... but I can completely stand face to face with God as my judge and say, NO... not one drop!!!

Then they asked me about Russell my son and my pregnancy with him.... and if there had been any alcohol or drug use then. I thought for a minute. No.... not a dro.....wait!!! Suddenly in that moment, I felt guilt begin to swallow me. Yes.... I had MANY drugs when I was pregnant with Russell. It was during my pregnancy with him that I had broken my back and neck in that auto accident. I had x-rays... many of them. I had strong opiates for pain.. a lot of them. And as I recalled those horrible dark days, I was getting sick to my stomach as we talked. Did all those things in the hospital... and then at home... did they hurt my little boy? Did I indirectly kill him because of those things?

We continued to talk about other details of my past life... and then again about my pregnancy with Katie... any holistic drugs or lotions... or vitamins... or anything? They were very kind in their probing... and certainly non accusatory. They just needed to know if there was anything we were missing.

NO. Not with Katie. I was clear.

But as I walked out of that meeting, I was freshly face to face with all the ugly details of my past... and my heart was scraping the pavement as I walked out of the building. It wasn't just the memories of Russell (I couldn't help needing those things because of the accident I had been in)... but all the OTHER stuff when I wasn't so innocent. ALL those wasted years of rebellion... needless troubles... self inflicted... alcohol... drugs... smoking... wounded relationships... lies told... ugh....

But it was then my dear, tender, merciful Savior pushed the "Play" button in my head and I began to hear the words of that song again....

".....I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He LOVES ME...."

What was I doing? The enemy of my soul was accusing me "both day and night"... stirring up painful past regrets... many of them... and I was falling for it. I had driven Katie all the way home with a hurting, heavy heart... and was in tears when I arrived. I ran to the bathroom in our room and began to speak out loud... ALL OF THOSE YEARS ARE UNDER THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB!!!! And he who is set free is FREE INDEED! Jesus has wiped those tears from my heart and face and I will be hanged if I go back there and wallow beneath that rock of accusation again.

I shook off the cobwebs of dispair and regret, and started thanking God for all He has done for me... and is still doing for me. Despite its challenges, I have a very good life. No pity parties are welcome here. And so I sang that song again... over and over... and then went to bed early.

No time for regrets.

Susan